Bastard
by Tenshi no Hana-chan
Summary: Sasusaku. Sakura has to come to terms with the Uchiha bastard. 'Why would he ask ME to train with him if he thinks I'm annoying and weak in the first place? Bastard. Bastard. BASTARD.' Slightly crack. Oneshot.


**AN: **Another one of those "I can't get out of my mind" scenes.

**Warning: **Crack. Maybe a little bit of pot, and maybe a pinch of weed. Parody-ish things, and some swearing. Major OOC, but for a reason.

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**Bastard

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**

**Disclaimer:** I'm probably prettier than Masashi Kishimoto. Of course. He's a guy.

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_Mmph__. Sasuke-kun._

_Bastard._

Sakura covered herself with her comforters, pouting and eating cookies under it. "Bastard," she said under her breath. She imagined the head of the teddy bear cookie as the Uchiha's raven topped head, and its chocolate chip eyes the prodigy's onyx orbs.

_So cute._

She glared at it and bit the head off savagely.

_Jerk. Idiot. Bastard._

_"You're annoying."_

_"You're being weak – as always."_

_"I don't think you'll be able to reach my level, or even Naruto's."_

She took another chocolate chip Yummy Bears! cookie, stared angrily at it, bit its head off, and chewed on the severed head as savagely as she could.

**_Ah, this brings back memories, _**Inner-Sakura said, smirking. **_The first day of training with Kakashi-sensei, and finding Sasuke-kun buried to the neck in the ground… I thought it was his severed head…_**

_Mmph_, Sakura thought furiously. _If only his head were as severed as this cookie bear head I'm chewing on._

**_Ah, sadistic, aren't we?_**

Soon, her cookie bowl was filled with headless cookie bears. She looked down guiltily and began to nibble on them.

_Stupid Sasuke-kun, _Sakura thought, her expression sullen. _If he thought I was weak, why'd he asked me to train with him in the first place?_

_"Sakura, we're going to train together."_

_"W-what?__ Are you serious, Sasuke-kun?"_

_"Aa.__ We're training together. The dobe and the hentai are on a mission. Don't make me repeat myself again."_

_"Really?__ O-okay then!"_

**_Stupid, stupid move! I should have known he would call me weak, that bastard!_** Inner-Sakura cried, clutching her head. **_I _knew _I should've given up on him!_**

"Lalalalala!" Sakura sang loudly, covering her ears. "I'm not liiistening to that voice in my heeeaaaad!"

**You!_ You listen to me or you won't have a coping mechanism!_**

Sakura crammed the Yummy Bears! cookies into her mouth in frustration.

_"Oi!__ That wasn't even taijutsu!"_

_"O-oh!__ Sasuke-kun, I'm SO sorry!"_

_"__Ch.__ You're a useless sparring partner."_

_"Would you like me to stop healing you, Sasuke-_kun_?"_

"Lalalalala! I'm not going to remember thaaat!"

But she really couldn't help remembering. Sasuke was too much of a bastard.

_"Useless weakling."_

_"Sasuke-kun… That… kind of hurts…"_

_"No wonder you're not an ANBU captain like me and Naruto."_

_"That's because I'm a medic!"_

Sakura remembered him getting peeved. **_Hell yeah!_** Inner-Sakura screamed.

_"Now you've gone too far! Just because you've got the Sharingan doesn't mean you can insult me!"_

_"I'm not insulting you."_

_"What are you doing then, Mister Righteous? Telling the truth?"_

_"To put it bluntly… yes."_

_"Naruto-kun was right. You _are_ a bastard."_

**_Whoohoo_****_! We got to poke Sasuke-kun in the chest!_**

_"Where the hell are you going now, Sakura?"_

_"Home!__ Where weaklings like me belong!"_

**_I think you left really deep footprints on the forest floor,_** Inner-Sakura offered.

"Ch. I wish I'd left a footprint on his face," Sakura muttered.

_Bastard._

**_Bastard._**

_Bastard._

**_BASTARD!_**

Sakura sniffed, holding back tears. "And here I was thinking he'd finally look at me as more than a friend and a teammate."

**_Valentine's Day is so near, too,_** Inner-Sakura pouted.

"I hate him."

**_I wish he'd just shrivel up and die._**

"Why do I keep waiting?"

**_It's tiring, this waiting business._**

"If only…"

**_If only…_**

"If only I wasn't so in love with him!"

_Bastard._

**_Bastard._**

**_BASTARD!

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_**

"Oi."

_Whoa… who turned on the lights?_

"Mmm…" Sakura groaned. "Turn off the friggin' lights, dammit. I'm trying to sleep."

"You left the light on."

"I was under my blanke-e-et," Sakura grumbled as she stifled a yawn.

"You have crumbs on your bed."

"Mmphgloobrm mimpfble wmbd."

"Well said."

Sakura opened her sand-laden eyes to look into amused onyx orbs.

She covered her eyes as they adjusted to the light. "You," she muttered, glaring. "What do _you_ want? Here to tell me off for going home when I'm not wanted?"

"I wanted to talk."

"We have nothing to talk about," Sakura snapped. "Go away." She grabbed her comforter from him and pulled it over head. "I'm still mad at you, you know, Sasuke-kun."

"You can't stay mad at me forever," Sasuke said, sitting down on her bed.

"I can and I will!" Sakura yelled from under her blanket.

"Sakura, listen to me," Sasuke said with a maddeningly patient air. Sakura hated that. "You're acting like a three year old." He pulled the quilt to look at her scowling face and her tousled hair.

"You have some nerve insulting me in my own apartment."

"I'm not insulting you."

"That's what you said last time."

"I'm telling the truth."

"See?"

"No, no, I mean, I really didn't want to insult you." He actually had the grace to look apologetic.

"Yeah, right."

"Dammit, I'm telling the truth, Sakura."

"So why are you here?" she asked, as suspiciously as she could in her groggy state.

"I want to ask for your help."

"What, you want to marry me so you can complete your goal of reviving the Uchiha clan but unfortunately you can't love me because you don't know how?"

Sasuke snorted. "You have quite an imagination, Sakura, but it's not that."

Sakura scratched the back of her head irritably. "Then get to the point!" She was cranky whenever someone disturbed her sleep, and even more so when the one who disturbed her sleep was someone she was very irritated at.

He took her hand, looking hesitant. "Can you be… be with me… you know… for Valentines…?" He was as pink as Sakura's hair.

Sakura raised her eyebrows. For a second, she felt like saying, "Oh… Sasuke-kun! I – I – I'd love to!" She had the blush and the facial expression to complete the look already.

**_Do it!_** Inner-Sakura hissed.

She watched his expression. Then her eyes grew wide in realization. She withdrew her hand and dived under the covers.

"Sakura!" Sasuke said, agitated. "I'm serious!"

"You're not! I know what you're planning!"

_Bastard, bastard, BASTARD!_

"What?"

"I annoy you! You wouldn't ask me if you weren't planning something! You think I'm weak! You really reallywouldn't ask me out if you were in your right mind!"

"Sa-ku-_ra_," Sasuke said, sounding restrained. "Would you get out of there?"

"No I won't! You're just using me to get away from your stupid fangirls! Now, listen up, Sasuke-_kun_, I may be a bit of a fangirl sometimes, but I'm not stupid!" She threw her covers off angrily, glaring at his surprised face. "Why don't you get one of your _idiotic_ fangirls and ask _her_ to be your date just so you can get away from the rest of them? You can get any girl you want. So beat it!" With that, she dove under the comforter again.

Sasuke frowned and pulled the covers off her head again. "Sakura, just listen to me for one minute."

"No." She grabbed the blanket and pulled it over her head once more.

"Just for a second." He grabbed the blanket again.

"No." She snatched the comforter from him violently.

He grabbed her foot from under the covers and tickled the sole. Sakura shrieked. "Kyaaaa! Sasuke-kun, I'm warning you!" She tried staying angry, but unfortunately, she was giggling.

He pulled the comforter from over her head. "I told you to listen to me."

She kicked his hand away. He looked surprised. She let out a miffed sound. "Sasuke-kun, no matter how much you make me laugh, that still doesn't change the fact that I don't want you using me. I've gotten over that stage where I would humiliate myself just to get near you."

"Sakura, that's not-"

"Don't expect me to believe that!"

"Just hear me out, okay?"

She scowled at him, but then began to grin evilly when she got a little idea. "Say please. With sugar on top."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "You're not serious-"

"Dead serious," she said, smirking. "Say it. Or I won't listen. You've got to learn some manners sometime, Sasuke-_kun_."

Sasuke glared at her. "Fine. Would you listen to me, prettypleasewith_sugarontop_?"

"I'm listening." She smiled sweetly, but they both knew she could explode any second.

"Good." He looked her in the eye. He was as stubborn as she was. "For one thing, Sakura, I didn't mean to be too blunt with you this afternoon. I'm sorry about that.

"For another, I wasn't exactly going to ask you to be my date, I wanted to know if I can hide out here for a while during Valentines since those girls are going to mob my house. But that seems near impossible since you're quite mad at me."

**_I sure as hell am!_** Inner-Sakura raged.

"And for another-" This time, he glared a bit more at her, "-I don't get any girl I want."

Sakura laughed bitterly. "You expect me to believe that? I believe the 'I'm sorry" part, which is holy for you by the way, and the fangirl-mobbing part, but I don't think I can believe your I-don't-get-any-girl-I-want act. You're Uchiha _Sasuke_, for Pete's sake! All the single girls in Konoha love you! They'd love to go out with you!"

"That's where you're wrong. There's one girl who wouldn't." She blinked curiously. He looked at her so intensely that she reddened.

"Would you go out with me, after I've been such a jerk to you today?" The Uchiha genius said this with a straight face, without even stammering or blushing.

She was about to say he was joking, but this was Sasuke, the guy with no sense of humor. She looked at him shrewdly, deciding to play along. She wasn't "forehead girl" for nothing. "That depends. Are you asking?"

"Depends. Are you going to say yes?"

Sakura looked mutinous for a second, then blushed prettily. "You jerk, backing me up to a corner like that."

Sasuke shrugged, smirking. "It's what I do. Now, what's your answer?"

"How can I answer when you're not even asking?" As Sasuke opened his mouth to reply, Sakura said quickly, "Don't answer that. It's just… this isn't how I envisioned you asking me out."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "You anticipated this encounter?"

"Nah, I dreamt of it." Her eyes looked glazed. "You would tell me that I'm weak and annoying, but only because you want me weak so you can protect me, and I'm annoying because you can't get me out of your mind." She sighed. "Like that's ever going to happe- oh my lord, did I just say that out loud?" Blood rushed to her cheeks.

"Some dream," he muttered, a naughty glint in his eyes.

**_Hey, it's the best dream in the world! _**Inner-Sakura fumed.

"But now that I think about it," Sasuke mused, "I guess it's all true." He blinked, looking abashed. "Oops, did I say that out loud?"

"It's true?" Sakura asked.

Sasuke scowled. "You needn't mind."

"It concerns me," Sakura said, pouting.

"The dobe and Kakashi have been dropping hints about it, so I know they notice. Pfft, that's why they left us in the first place." He looked irked, but he smirked at her again. "I'm surprised you haven't. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one."

"Hey!"

Sasuke crossed his arms. "Anyway, don't change the topic. Your answer is…?"

She sent him another icy look. "You know you're a bastard, don't you?"

"You know you're annoying, right?" Sasuke countered.

She deliberated him for a moment.

"Then my answer is yes, I probably would," Sakura replied with a tone of finality. She grinned, and Sasuke nodded.

"Then it's settled. You're moving in with me. Before Valentines."

"Su – What?"

He gave her his most arrogant look. "You heard me right. I want those bitches to know I have a girlfriend."

She wrestled him down to the bed, scowling accusatorily. "See? Ha! I knew it! You _are_ using me to get away from your fangirls! And who says I'm your girlfriend?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and flipped their position. Sakura was as red as a beet. "_I_ do. And you got it mixed up. I'm running away from them because I have you." With that, he closed the distance between them, and without warning, he kissed her.

**_Explosives, fireworks, electricity, fire, static...!_** Inner-Sakura shrieked, going happily wild.

When he was done with her, she looked at him in the eye dreamily, flushed. "Bastard."

Sasuke smirked.

"I know."

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**AN**: How'd you like it? Tell me in a review! Nyao! 

**Edited 6/13/06: **I'm very flattered that a lot of people have been reviewing this fic. It's the one that I've received reviews for only one chapter the most. I thank you for that. But to those who keep asking for a sequel, I'll tell you once and for all, though I'm _very_ flattered that you want me to continue, I'm **DONE**. Please, although it's terribly flattering that you love it so much you want a sequel, it's just one of those things that are random, and random things just don't have a long plot.

If you really want a sequel, I can recommend you another fic. It's called **Hentai **by my _twin_ sister, **Yummei-sama no Hayashi.** You can search it. Though it's not really a sequel, it's a bit of a spin-off. I helped edit it, so I know. Please, review on the work, but **STOP ASKING ME FOR A SEQUEL. **Though it makes me blush, it also makes me annoyed.

Arigatou gozaimashita!


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